A Pacifier: Sex in an Abusive Relationship...

Some may wonder why a person would attach themselves to someone who weakens them. Why stay in an abusive relationship? It's obviously not because one enjoys black eyes or being told that they will never accomplish anything. I think that there are certain elements in the relationship that coos us back into a calmed and complacent state. 

Money can be one such element. I've seen girls stay with their abusive boyfriend because the boyfriend provided a place and other materialistic things for the girl and their children. A previous lack of self esteem may also aid in keeping someone down in a relationship-"I was unhappy/lonely before I met him/her, at least their jealous rants shows me that someone wants me now".


What about sex? I think this is one of the biggest pacifiers. I remember the Eve video, Love is Blind. The girl was getting beat and thrown down but then it flashes to a lovemaking scene that must have occurred at another time. In my opinion, guys are very susceptible to this pacifier as well. I've seen guys reluctantly and continuously blow bookoo bucks on a girl, who was blatantly using them, just because she was very good at performing sexual acts. Btw, there is such a thing as financial-domestic abuse. On the other hand, I've also known of guys forcing girls to have sex because they spend money on them. Of course each example's gender can be switched. 


Sex is not something to be taken lightly. I believe that it is a very bonding and essential part of an intimate romantic relationship. It can speak volumes to a partner, more than gifts or cards, etc, to display some sort of love. I think sex is spiritual, not in a blasphemous way. It just pronounces an intimate love in our souls, more than hearing "I love you" in our ears.

Now, when in an abusive relationship, it is a major manipulation of the abused' mindset. The abused should still have an innate defense mechanism to defend themselves from someone that is harming them. But then, "How could my abuser really harm me, if they are showing me they love me?".  What's worse is when the abuser feels like he/she loves the person by wanting to be sexually intimate regardless of the harsh way they treat their partner. You know what, sex has to be the most natural part of an intimate, romantic  relationship. So it would be more natural to bear more weight on the effects and pleasures of sex than the other elements, including abusive acts, in the relationship.


My plead: Review your relationship. Stop "feeling" love for a second and look at what the relationship has allowed you to produce. Can your partner help you reach your dreams by encouraging you, not only in a discussion or pep talk but in a daily respect of your values and property? Would you be a better person because you knew your partner? Would you have a chance to accomplish more good with your life if you weren't restricted by your partner? If you feel like you're only receiving love in the bedroom and you're fully committed to this person, then you may be pacifying an abusive relationship. We're never supposed to be in an abusive relationship.


Get help. Get couples counseling if you feel that it's not too bad, but unfortunately, it's usually worse than what we'd like to make it. Suggest a separation to your partner. If you see or already know that they are not going to agree to a break (to get the support that you both need) then you definitely need to remove yourself from that person. Married couples may not want to get divorced. I still think that a time of separation can do more to strengthen a potentially salvable relationship than staying in the abuse and hoping for change. Separation can mean sleeping in separate rooms or staying with another family member, while meeting up to go to counseling. It can also mean waiting for the divorce papers to arrive or going to a shelter that helps the abused get on their own two feet. There has to be some break in an abusive relationship though. This allows for a time to really hear from God without other natural influences that might lead us into complacency. This allows us to see our own capabilities, re-develop our strengths, and live life with one less hindrance. Separation allows our partners to decide if they are going to heal. If the relationship is salvable, we are more likely to see a change from a distance than when we stay and wait on broken promises.


I kind of digressed from sex as the pacifier and just discussed abuse in general. I will explore this and update this post later. In the meantime, if you think that your relationship is harming you, get help. You may not be getting slapped everyday but occasional physical violence, verbal assaults, financial and property destruction-anything used to intimidate you to stay in your place in a relationship, is most likely abuse. 

Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at ndvh.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). A local place of worship or police station and some schools should also be able to refer you to appropriate resources. At least talk to someone and be honest. Maybe saying it out loud will clear things up for you. Be safe.