Window Shopping

The rapper 50 Cent's "Window Shopper" was created as a diss to another rapper. It was meant to be degrading for one's inability to purchase desired luxury items. Window shopping used to be a visual preparation of a shopping list, for the hopeful. For some, window shopping was replaced with instant self gratification.

I recommend bringing back the practice of window shopping for two reasons. The first reason is to reinstate a sense of discipline back into our spending routine. The second reason, which is really the main reason of this post, is to expand our horizons. 

First reason: Debt is huge right now. It is recommended to spend more wisely. Window shopping allows you to keep up to date with your desires while getting a chance to re-examine them. Sometimes, we treat what we want as if we need it. When you give yourself an opportunity to take a second look, then you can determine if you really need the beloved item. 

Examples of window shopping in NYC can be walking on Fifth Avenue and peaking in on the GUCCI and Fendi stores. I want to go down to 57th St, and look in the BMW showroom and check out the ever so lovely 6 series (I love the 6 series-it's so pretty!!!). More than simply materialistic endeavors, window shopping can even be walking into a safer neighborhood and hoping to move your family into a more accommodating home.

Second/Most Important Reason: Again, debt is huge right now. People are cutting back. Not only are people cutting back on their spending they are giving up on their dreams. Without dreams what do we push forward to? Do you want great things or bad things for your life? For the purpose of this post, I will assume that you want good things for your life. We will work off of the equation that life is constantly moving. Things are either progressing or regressing, getting better or worse. Therefore, we need to make a conscious decision to allow things to get better. 


I suggest re-evaluating your dreams. Look at your dreams, are you able to accomplish right now? If so, go ahead and do so. If not, please figure out where and how you can obtain your desires. Then keep looking into it. Let's go back to "the moving your family to a better neighborhood" example. Start walking around that neighborhood. Look up financing information. Start developing a plan to allow your current situation to match the necessary one acquire your desires. 

Soon, that window shopping will turn into a new set of keys in your hand. What are you window shopping for?

A Pacifier: Sex in an Abusive Relationship...

Some may wonder why a person would attach themselves to someone who weakens them. Why stay in an abusive relationship? It's obviously not because one enjoys black eyes or being told that they will never accomplish anything. I think that there are certain elements in the relationship that coos us back into a calmed and complacent state. 

Money can be one such element. I've seen girls stay with their abusive boyfriend because the boyfriend provided a place and other materialistic things for the girl and their children. A previous lack of self esteem may also aid in keeping someone down in a relationship-"I was unhappy/lonely before I met him/her, at least their jealous rants shows me that someone wants me now".


What about sex? I think this is one of the biggest pacifiers. I remember the Eve video, Love is Blind. The girl was getting beat and thrown down but then it flashes to a lovemaking scene that must have occurred at another time. In my opinion, guys are very susceptible to this pacifier as well. I've seen guys reluctantly and continuously blow bookoo bucks on a girl, who was blatantly using them, just because she was very good at performing sexual acts. Btw, there is such a thing as financial-domestic abuse. On the other hand, I've also known of guys forcing girls to have sex because they spend money on them. Of course each example's gender can be switched. 


Sex is not something to be taken lightly. I believe that it is a very bonding and essential part of an intimate romantic relationship. It can speak volumes to a partner, more than gifts or cards, etc, to display some sort of love. I think sex is spiritual, not in a blasphemous way. It just pronounces an intimate love in our souls, more than hearing "I love you" in our ears.

Now, when in an abusive relationship, it is a major manipulation of the abused' mindset. The abused should still have an innate defense mechanism to defend themselves from someone that is harming them. But then, "How could my abuser really harm me, if they are showing me they love me?".  What's worse is when the abuser feels like he/she loves the person by wanting to be sexually intimate regardless of the harsh way they treat their partner. You know what, sex has to be the most natural part of an intimate, romantic  relationship. So it would be more natural to bear more weight on the effects and pleasures of sex than the other elements, including abusive acts, in the relationship.


My plead: Review your relationship. Stop "feeling" love for a second and look at what the relationship has allowed you to produce. Can your partner help you reach your dreams by encouraging you, not only in a discussion or pep talk but in a daily respect of your values and property? Would you be a better person because you knew your partner? Would you have a chance to accomplish more good with your life if you weren't restricted by your partner? If you feel like you're only receiving love in the bedroom and you're fully committed to this person, then you may be pacifying an abusive relationship. We're never supposed to be in an abusive relationship.


Get help. Get couples counseling if you feel that it's not too bad, but unfortunately, it's usually worse than what we'd like to make it. Suggest a separation to your partner. If you see or already know that they are not going to agree to a break (to get the support that you both need) then you definitely need to remove yourself from that person. Married couples may not want to get divorced. I still think that a time of separation can do more to strengthen a potentially salvable relationship than staying in the abuse and hoping for change. Separation can mean sleeping in separate rooms or staying with another family member, while meeting up to go to counseling. It can also mean waiting for the divorce papers to arrive or going to a shelter that helps the abused get on their own two feet. There has to be some break in an abusive relationship though. This allows for a time to really hear from God without other natural influences that might lead us into complacency. This allows us to see our own capabilities, re-develop our strengths, and live life with one less hindrance. Separation allows our partners to decide if they are going to heal. If the relationship is salvable, we are more likely to see a change from a distance than when we stay and wait on broken promises.


I kind of digressed from sex as the pacifier and just discussed abuse in general. I will explore this and update this post later. In the meantime, if you think that your relationship is harming you, get help. You may not be getting slapped everyday but occasional physical violence, verbal assaults, financial and property destruction-anything used to intimidate you to stay in your place in a relationship, is most likely abuse. 

Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at ndvh.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). A local place of worship or police station and some schools should also be able to refer you to appropriate resources. At least talk to someone and be honest. Maybe saying it out loud will clear things up for you. Be safe.

The High Alternative

What's an alternative for substance abuse? Personally the only time I have really ever desired to "get nice" was when I needed to relax, usually to relax from things that weren't going away on their own or a little push by myself. I've never been at Six Flags, on the Nitro, thinking, "I could use some Yak right now". On the other hand, talking to my child's father can be just as hair raising but it would definitely invoke the desire for a drink, maybe some fresh haze. Why?

Btw, I don't smoke : )

It seems the mere potential of being mentally removed from our stressors is worth the potential jail time for possession or embarrassment from vomitting those four Heinekens up. Although we don't intentional mean to, we even choose to endanger another motorist' life when we "get away from it all" and get ready to go home. I'm not trying to say it's stupid to abuse certain substances. I'm saying it's very costly and we should find another way to fulfill the "get nice" desire in a controlled environment.

How do we do that? Sex is a great de-stressor. The only problem is, if you are not in a "controlled" relationship, you can end up more F*&$#! up than you were before. Sex is almost as powerful for bad as it is for good. (Be safe, wrap it up! Not me, not now!) Many pastors that have encouraged the married couples in their congregation to engage in daily intercourse say that the participants end up experiencing a healthier relationship. Exercise is good, not as fun, but it produces similar scientific results (except the belly part-complete opposites, retracts/contracts). 

Meditation and prayer is good. I'm a Christian. I've noticed that when I willingly participated in worship, I felt better. Going to church or reading the Bible just to do God a favor doesn't really do much. If you do it with a hopeful manner of some sort of gain then you will get a lot out of it. Even if I just said things like"God, You're good" it would relieve my mind somehow. For believers, praising God works. For everyone, the power of positive words is real.

I look forward to Nuvo more than saying "positive" things to myself though. It's socially proven that alcohol or other drugs can work in a matter of minutes. I don't know how long it might take to reinforce positive mental images which should strengthen me enough to deal with or overcome my stressors. Lack of motivation accounts for many of choices, especially the good ones. It's similar to having a headache due to a chronic condition. Some people will just take an advil, everyday, ignoring and allowing the condition to persist and cause more damage. Some will go to their doctor and get on a treatment plan to eventually eliminate the condition that was causing the headaches.

Get to the root of the cause and address it as directly as possible along with regular self reaffirmation. Things are not usually stagnant. Nothing really stays the same, they either get better or worse. By addressing our pleasure while overlooking the cause that had us down in the first place, enables the stressor to grow; eventually dulling our sensitivity to pleasure and in turn leading us to increase our short fixes which end up turning into rock-bottoms. 

I know I'm right but what do you think?

Restoring Your Credibilty, When You Just Look Guilty?

I was watching "Firewall" with Harrison Ford, (I think) today at the hairdresser. I say hairdresser to show that I wasn't paying the most attention. The premise should be that a suit and tie, Ford, is forced to rob his bank and wire the money to the mastermind who was holding Ford's character's family hostage. One of the details that made Ford's character a good scapegoat was his gambling debt. The bank that he held a high position at, would believe that he robbed the bank mostly due to his gambling debt as opposed to finding it to be weird behavior for an employee who presumably never stole from them before. 

This just showed me that integrity and character is so important. Two completely isolated incidents complimented one another so well, and not for a good look. This can be likened to a girl being labeled as easy by a date, even if she did not do anything with that date. Due to one past bad decision in a past relationship, the rumors add value, whether true or not, to who she is described as. Maybe this isn't the most eloquent analogy but you get the picture.

My question is, how do you restore your credibility when you may not have had a perfect record in the past? How do you clear your name from things you are not guilty of, but  past indiscretions show motive that match one another?

Nation & World | Study: Sessions on abstinence can be effective | Seattle Times Newspaper

Nation & World | Study: Sessions on abstinence can be effective | Seattle Times Newspaper